Skip to main content

The Ex-Factor

This isn't an ode to Lauryn Hill's  ( popular song Ex-Factor. It's a blog of my recent communication efforts with my ex-husband. 
He is now at the point I arrived some time ago. That is, being frustrated that our kids aren't doing as well as we planned, hoped for, expected. They finished high school, but they're not in the military nor attending college. This is frustrating, a bit embarrassing, stressing, and senseless.....all for him though. As stated, I'm so over it. 

I've had my moments of stress, embarrassment of whether I did all I could as a mother, having anxiety attacks, getting pissed off of them just not listening and following an easy, resourceful path laid in front of them. Mr. B and I gave them the chance to attend college or join the military; no sitting around floating by on fast-food jobs, living paycheck to paycheck. They did neither, both of the elders opting to take their own premature paths; desperate to be grown-ups. They take their place as millennials to a whole other level. I understand their independence, but struggling and learning so many things the hard way is selfish, senseless, and intentionally unnecessary. Long sigh.

My ex-husband and I had been on such bad terms of not communicating and speaking to one another since our divorce years ago, me meeting and marrying my current husband, and what might have been the nastiest child support court battles ever. As maturity and health issues have brought him full-circle, we are now communicating to see what WE can do to open doors for our son and daughter and have them walk through them, taking advantage of what's available for them and live thereafter in peace that WE TRIED.

I must admit our conversation was as if we were two different people speaking. Apart from the past encounters of strife and anger, there was no animosity, no anger, no resentment, no hostility; just constructive cordial conversation about the kids. 

My ex's plan is to offer the kids their rightful place of using his military benefits so they can attend college, obtain healthcare, etc. Our daughter generously accepted the help. Our son did not. He is stuck on pride that he cannot back up and would rather struggle on his own to get where he wants. So be it. Although my ex's angle at "us" helping them ended up with me being a middle-man, I did what I could, passing along messages, and providing my opinions and feedback. In the end, it is what it is. The kids are grown and will do what they choose. 

I can no longer rack my brain over why people make certain choices over others- simple choices- that benefit them only in some twisted way, leading to possibly no place but a constant circle of lessons unlearned; a hamster wheel of sorts. Letting such decisions affect my health and sanity is not going to happen anymore. I decided that long ago. If there are to be many happy returns it will be for my eldest kids' benefit.

Some say once your older kids leave home you take on a whole other set of worries. Well, speak for yourself. In the end one will do as they choose regardless if they're your kids or not. Although you offer, you must also be the receiver, the receiver of their rejection or acceptance. You must be okay with this. 


  1. Sounds like you did alot of soul searching and came out on the other end choosing you. Bravo!

    1. Yes ma'am. You get to the point of realizing you must matter to yourself first, as others most often won't, regardless of whomever they may be.


Post a Comment

Don't forget to click "Publish" after typing your comments. Thanks!

Popular Posts

Grilled Peaches & Herb

Why not pair fruit with herbs? Why not grill them? Growing up, I used to listen to my Mom's records often. So, when I hear 'peaches & herb' I can't help but to remember the 1960s duo and their hit "Reunited". I came up with this grilled creation and dedicate it to 'Peaches & Herb'. GRILLED PEACHES & HERB                           INGREDIENTS :6-7 peaches (real peaches, not nectarines), 1/4 tsp. nutmeg, 1 tsp. vanilla extract, 1/4 c. brown sugar (dark brown, light brown, it doesn't matter...just brown sugar), fresh lemon thyme sprig or 1 tbsp. (dry should be okay since the liquid from the peach will reconstitute the dryness) TOOLS & EQUIPMENT : knife, foil, grill YIELDS : approximately 5 cups STEPS : Rinse peaches Wash the fresh herb. See blog of "How to wash fresh herbs" Layer the ingredients, peaches first, in a foil pouch. See blog of "How to Create a Foil Pouch"  Grill for 30-45 minut

How to Spray-Paint a Leather Chair

Mr. B. wanted this chair from my Gramma sooooo bad. It's a plush, large leather chair she had as a pair in her entrance sitting area. She gave it to him like it was nothing. Hmph, what can I get so easily? Just kidding. She'd give you anything you asked for. I had no idea where this man wanted to put such a huge chair. With the Batcave project in planning stages, a spot was found for it. But how does a brown chair fit into a Batman/ batcave theme? Ah, old faithful spray-paint. Again, this chair was BROWN!  You must work with the paint as it is wet so the wet colors merge. Work in separate areas at one time if you're not quick enough. For instance, if you're too intimidated and find yourself working slow, work with the back first, then another section, and so forth.  I began by spraying the chair with the dominant color black.  While the black paint was still wet and at a distance, I sparingly sprayed the secondary color of the blue. The keyword on th

Four Hands & Nine Hours- A Pergola in a Day

I have wanted a pergola for years. The fancy ones, even in simplest structure, were a minimum of $1k and I always knew I could construct my own. I just had to do it. I use the community app NextDoor and a kind lady happened to post her desire to get rid of cedar wood left over from her pergola build, which was gorgeous by the way. I immediately responded that I would pick it up. Free cedar wood? Of course, I couldn't let that pass! I was going to blog the entire process of me building this thing, but it just wasn't happening. The sun was a total, brutal beat-down and my frustration level had far exceeded any hint of considering a blog idea. Forget that. The advice I can give is that you can do this project, too! The instructions I had, called for one size of something and I needed another size of something else. Plan your project and ensure you have all materials, tools, and help available!  My husband drilled the two holes for the post bases.  Me and my thirteen year old s