This isn't an ode to Lauryn Hill's (lauren-hill.com) popular song Ex-Factor. It's a blog of my recent communication efforts with my ex-husband.
He is now at the point I arrived some time ago. That is, being frustrated that our kids aren't doing as well as we planned, hoped for, expected. They finished high school, but they're not in the military nor attending college. This is frustrating, a bit embarrassing, stressing, and senseless.....all for him though. As stated, I'm so over it.
I've had my moments of stress, embarrassment of whether I did all I could as a mother, having anxiety attacks, getting pissed off of them just not listening and following an easy, resourceful path laid in front of them. Mr. B and I gave them the chance to attend college or join the military; no sitting around floating by on fast-food jobs, living paycheck to paycheck. They did neither, both of the elders opting to take their own premature paths; desperate to be grown-ups. They take their place as millennials to a whole other level. I understand their independence, but struggling and learning so many things the hard way is selfish, senseless, and intentionally unnecessary. Long sigh.
My ex-husband and I had been on such bad terms of not communicating and speaking to one another since our divorce years ago, me meeting and marrying my current husband, and what might have been the nastiest child support court battles ever. As maturity and health issues have brought him full-circle, we are now communicating to see what WE can do to open doors for our son and daughter and have them walk through them, taking advantage of what's available for them and live thereafter in peace that WE TRIED.
I must admit our conversation was as if we were two different people speaking. Apart from the past encounters of strife and anger, there was no animosity, no anger, no resentment, no hostility; just constructive cordial conversation about the kids.
My ex's plan is to offer the kids their rightful place of using his military benefits so they can attend college, obtain healthcare, etc. Our daughter generously accepted the help. Our son did not. He is stuck on pride that he cannot back up and would rather struggle on his own to get where he wants. So be it. Although my ex's angle at "us" helping them ended up with me being a middle-man, I did what I could, passing along messages, and providing my opinions and feedback. In the end, it is what it is. The kids are grown and will do what they choose.
I can no longer rack my brain over why people make certain choices over others- simple choices- that benefit them only in some twisted way, leading to possibly no place but a constant circle of lessons unlearned; a hamster wheel of sorts. Letting such decisions affect my health and sanity is not going to happen anymore. I decided that long ago. If there are to be many happy returns it will be for my eldest kids' benefit.
Some say once your older kids leave home you take on a whole other set of worries. Well, speak for yourself. In the end one will do as they choose regardless if they're your kids or not. Although you offer, you must also be the receiver, the receiver of their rejection or acceptance. You must be okay with this.
I've had my moments of stress, embarrassment of whether I did all I could as a mother, having anxiety attacks, getting pissed off of them just not listening and following an easy, resourceful path laid in front of them. Mr. B and I gave them the chance to attend college or join the military; no sitting around floating by on fast-food jobs, living paycheck to paycheck. They did neither, both of the elders opting to take their own premature paths; desperate to be grown-ups. They take their place as millennials to a whole other level. I understand their independence, but struggling and learning so many things the hard way is selfish, senseless, and intentionally unnecessary. Long sigh.
My ex-husband and I had been on such bad terms of not communicating and speaking to one another since our divorce years ago, me meeting and marrying my current husband, and what might have been the nastiest child support court battles ever. As maturity and health issues have brought him full-circle, we are now communicating to see what WE can do to open doors for our son and daughter and have them walk through them, taking advantage of what's available for them and live thereafter in peace that WE TRIED.
I must admit our conversation was as if we were two different people speaking. Apart from the past encounters of strife and anger, there was no animosity, no anger, no resentment, no hostility; just constructive cordial conversation about the kids.
My ex's plan is to offer the kids their rightful place of using his military benefits so they can attend college, obtain healthcare, etc. Our daughter generously accepted the help. Our son did not. He is stuck on pride that he cannot back up and would rather struggle on his own to get where he wants. So be it. Although my ex's angle at "us" helping them ended up with me being a middle-man, I did what I could, passing along messages, and providing my opinions and feedback. In the end, it is what it is. The kids are grown and will do what they choose.
I can no longer rack my brain over why people make certain choices over others- simple choices- that benefit them only in some twisted way, leading to possibly no place but a constant circle of lessons unlearned; a hamster wheel of sorts. Letting such decisions affect my health and sanity is not going to happen anymore. I decided that long ago. If there are to be many happy returns it will be for my eldest kids' benefit.
Some say once your older kids leave home you take on a whole other set of worries. Well, speak for yourself. In the end one will do as they choose regardless if they're your kids or not. Although you offer, you must also be the receiver, the receiver of their rejection or acceptance. You must be okay with this.
Sounds like you did alot of soul searching and came out on the other end choosing you. Bravo!
ReplyDeleteYes ma'am. You get to the point of realizing you must matter to yourself first, as others most often won't, regardless of whomever they may be.
Delete